What to Do When They Want Him And Not Me

The dimly lit room came alive as spotlights burst into light, shooting their beams across the platform and the music rose to a crescendo. One by one, five women entered from behind the side curtain, acknowledged the applause from the audience of ministry women, and then took a seat in her allocated position on the panel design layout. Julie, the spokeswoman, began her introduction, ‘In Paul’s letter to the church at Ephesus he makes reference to five specific groups of people who have been gifted by God and given the responsibility to equip His people to fulfil His purposes, also to build up and edify the church.

These five specific groups are the apostle, prophet, evangelist, pastor and teacher. On our panel tonight we have five women, each of who are married to a man who has been gifted in one of these areas.

As each one of our panel shares they will give you a peek look into their lives and insight into the world of being married to a man with a five-fold ministry gift.

Leonie, let’s start with you. You are the wife of an apostle. Can you please give us a brief definition of an apostle and then tell us a little about what life is like for you having a husband who is an apostle?’

‘Well, Julie,’ Leonie responded. ‘The common definition for an apostle is one who is sent. This is accompanied by being a visionary and a pioneer who personally, or by releasing others, births new ventures and churches. He is also a father in the faith to other ministers and is often called upon to become involved in a pastor or church crisis situation outside of his home church.

For me personally, all of this means that my husband is often away from home. When he is away I am required to pick up additional parenting responsibilities, also those tasks which he would normally do around the home, as well as any number of added church responsibilities.’

pastors wife

Julie interjected with, ‘As you were saying this, I could feel the weight of those additional tasks and responsibilities you carry. What practices have you put into place which enable you to carry this weight?’

‘I have learnt to swallow my pride and ask for help when I need it. Another thing I have worked hard at is to become comfortable and peaceful about placing some things into the ‘you will just have to wait’ basket.  Actually one outcome that has resulted, is I now have an increased, richer and deeper dependence upon God who is my sufficiency.

As a couple we recognise that we are a good balance for one another; being a visionary he sees the big picture, while I am very practical and see the reality of the present. I am acutely aware though not to let my details bias burst his bubble, while at the same time thinking, ‘Oh dear God, what will be the cost to me if You give him a green light to go ahead with this?’

‘Thank you Leonie’, said Julie, then she introduced her next panel member.  ‘This is Tammy, and Tammy is married to a prophet.’

‘A prophet’, Tammy began to enthusiastically explain, ‘is one who is a spokesperson for God to an individual, group or church. And let me tell you this can require him to spend squillions of time with God and waiting on God. Sometimes the prophetic word is right there for him as he tunes into God’s voice, like when he is praying for a person at the altar; but for him to be totally in a God zone, to clearly hear the voice of God and feel the feelings of God, this takes time.’ Then rolling her eyes added, ‘And I mean squillions of time.

Honestly, Julie, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you some of the things he tells me he has seen in the spirit world. God shows him things that are going to happen in the future, or he sees a demonic spirit that is behind some of the happenings in a situation. My golly gosh. I wonder at times if I’m married to a descendant of Ezekiel!

It has actually taken a while for me not to be jealous of his relationship with God, or the time he spends with God, because to give him the time he needs to wait on God, means my time is filled with his stuff which enables him to do just that.

One thing I found I needed to do was to establish my own relationship with the Lord and learn to hear His voice, and to know His ways for myself. This has been so good because it avoids my relationship with God being consumed into my husband’s relationship with God.’

‘Very insightful Tammy, thank you. Now let’s move to Miranda, wife of an evangelist.’

‘What originally attracted me to my man,’ Miranda said as she flicked back her hair, ‘was his heart and deep concern to see unbelievers become followers of Christ. Added to this was his passion to inspire Christians to reach out to those unbelievers in their world.

There isn’t a pastor who doesn’t want to see people come into the kingdom of God and because an evangelist carries an anointing from God to draw people to make a decision for Jesus, he is invited a lot of places and this means he travels a lot.

For me this looks very similar to what Leonie was saying about the increased load and increased responsibility a wife carries when her husband is away. I have had to learn to take the reins of authority when he’s not around and then to release them again upon his return.

On the occasions when I am blessed to be able to travel with my man, I find I am often pushed into the background and neglected as the ‘man of God’ is given the spotlight focus. This has happened often enough that I have developed a ‘care for myself’ attitude as well as taught myself to become a conversation initiator with people.

To survive in ministry, ladies, you must develop your flexibility. Genesis says we are a helper who is adaptable, and I can assure you, you are required to do plenty of adapting.’

‘Thank you Miranda, now let’s hear from the wife of a pastor. Michelle, over to you.’

pastors wife

‘A pastor,’ Michelle commenced, ‘is a shepherd and a feeder of the flock.

The wife of a pastor is expected to be whatever the need is, and then drop out when someone is raised to take that position. She receives no job training and often feels very inadequate. She is watched intently, quoted and talked about. There is often not enough money, so you grow in faith to life by faith and there is often no day off.

But I wouldn’t change it for the world. The upside far outweighs the downside. What an absolute joy we have to be the connector between God and His people, watch Him change their lives and see them discover purpose and the hope in their future.

Being a pastor’s wife is all about being a servant, being ready to give your life and ready for your life not to be your own.’

Miranda finished on that thought, and Julie’s attention turned to the next panel member. ‘Now welcome with me Wanda who is the wife of a teacher.’

‘Being the wife of a teacher, a teacher who is an educationalist of the word of God, also has its distinctive challenges and blessings.

One continuous challenge is that you need to allow your teacher husband sufficient time to study without pressurizing his time in other areas. The desire to study burns within him and if he can’t get the time to study that he craves for, he can get quite uptight and grumpy. I will say no more on that!

When we first started in ministry it took me a little while to realize that he actually needed to buy books, that they were the tools of his trade in much the same way as a carpenter or electrician need their tools, and there was no point me continuing to complain about it. We had little money and any extra was always spent on books, books, and more books. Over the years things haven’t changed much, they have just become computer Bible programmes and other electronic resources.

The blessing you receive is that you find yourself sitting in wonder at the revelation and truth your husband is able to bring forth from the word of God, making it come alive for you.’

Julie stood, faced her audience and commenced her brief closing remarks.

‘What an outstanding smorgasbord of understanding and insight we have been privileged to hear tonight from our panel of wives of the five-fold ministries.

Two comments I would make in conclusion. One being that it is essential for each of you to recognise your husband’s gifting and ministry calling, then from there understand the challenges and benefits these will bring to your marriage.

The other is to acknowledge you have to be true to yourself. You just have to be you, who you are, who God created you to be, and do that which God wants you to do.

Now please join with me in thanking our panel.’ Applause erupted.