3 Ways The Invisible Line Gets Blurred

There are three invisible lines of relationship that can easily be blurred, and / or crossed in every church, at one time or another. These invisible lines occur between the lead pastor couple and a staff member; the lead pastor couple and someone considered to be a friend; the lead pastor couple and the overall church family. Lead Couple And A Staff Member

Simon and Trish, the lead pastor couple had been closely watching the growth and maturing which was consistently taking place in the life of Adam, one of their young team pastors. They talked together in relation to Adam, about the potential they had recognised in him, the gifting and possible call of God on his life for a more prominent ministry position sometime in the future.

Together they agreed that this young man was ready for a more individualised and intensified leadership development programme in line with the Isaiah 54 model; to enlarge him, stretch him, further develop his character and basically to get a good indication of just what Adam was made of.

After a little time had passed, with Adam stepping up into the new and capacity increasing challenges placed before him, Sophie, Adam’s wife, made an appointment to talk with the lead pastor couple. Following some general chit chat, she came to the point of her visit and proceeded to verbalise her anger, resentment and intense displeasure with the additional work commitments which were being asked of her husband.

The invisible line – If Sophie’s husband had been employed by the Commonwealth Bank and his boss had required for him to fulfil additional responsibilities and to put in extra hours; would she have made an appointment with the bank manager and without mincing words, told him that she was exceptionally unhappy with the whole arrangement and that he needed to treat her husband with a whole lot more consideration?

Lead Couple And Someone Considered A Friend

Simon and Trish, the lead pastor couple had worked closely together with Steve and Donna who were very involved as key volunteers in the life of the church. Occasionally the two couples would meet for coffee or a meal, talk about church and enjoy each other’s company. Simon and Trish viewed the relationship to be one of friendship, as different from two couples working together to achieve a common God given purpose.

Then Steve and Donna had a significant happening occur in their life and held a celebration event to which a large number of people from the church where invited. Simon and Trish did not receive an invitation. They found out about the event from someone in the congregation who had attended the celebration. They expressed their delight for Steve and Donna to this person, while at the same time covering their feelings of disappointment and hurt at not having been included.

The invisible line – A lead pastor couple may consider a congregational member, or couple, to have moved into the category of friend, only they may not be considered a friend by the congregation member, or couple.

Lead Couple And Church Family

When I put the question, ‘What one thing do you absolutely love about your church?’ to my Conversations with a Pastor’s Wife Facebook group, the top answer was, ‘I love the feeling of family.’

For Simon and Trish, the lead pastor couple, church has become their life and their family. They think about her, love her, pray for her, plan for her, receive emergency phone calls in the middle of the night from her, financially sacrifice for her, give up precious time with their own family for her, teach and disciple her, give, give and give some more of themselves for her.

This often means that as family, church members are invited to and included in Simon and Trish’s regular family happenings. Congregants are regularly in their home, are invited to their children’s birthday parties, sometimes they will holiday together, and are also included in their own personal special events. Often, whatever is happening in their family, in one way or another an invitation is extended to include their church family.

The invisible line – A lead pastor couple may consider their church members as family and include them in their world, only church members may not consider the lead pastor couple as part of their family, or even think to include them in their family happenings.

The reality is that congregants are leading their own busy lives and church is only a part of their world, and for some a small part of their world; whereas for the lead pastor couple, church is their world.

Simon and Trish would very rarely be included in a congregation member’s family event, unless they had been asked in an official pastoral capacity, like a wedding. For Trish, invitations to meet for coffee, go to the movies, join a girls only breakfast, attend a baby shower, etc come few and far between. And for Simon, inclusion as one of the guys is just as rare.

Five wise actions to take when the invisible line get blurred :

Take any, and all, hurt and disappointment to God.

Forgive where needed. Always forgive and release.

Adjust your view of, and investment into, a relationship when necessary.

Adjust your expectation of congregation members.

Acknowledge that you are the lead pastor couple and the invisible line is a reality.

(The names of the people mentioned in this blog have been changed to protect their privacy)