A Snapshot Look At The Unique World Of A Pastor’s Wife

Pastors’ wives live in a unique world, face unique challenges and enjoy unique blessings. Many people don’t understand and often are unable to relate to her life and her world.

People can stand on the outside looking in, as in the familiar scenario of ‘living in a fish bowl’, observe, form an opinion and even criticize her without having obtained an insight or understanding of the life she lives.

In saying this, I fully acknowledge that every wife faces life uniqueness’s which are specifically related to her husband’s occupation.

The woman who is the focus of this article however is the pastor’s wife and the woman in ministry. I share some snapshots of her unique world; some from my own personal experience and some shared with me by pastors’ wives.

For privacy reasons I have changed the names of the women as I give you a small glimpse into ministry life from their perspective.

As the pastor’s wife :

You become the Sunday ‘fill the gap’ go to person.

Angie does not answer her phone or check her text messages on a Sunday pre service anymore because she has learnt from repeated occurrences that if someone can’t, or doesn’t want to turn up to fulfil their roster responsibilities; rather than ask someone else, they expect her to fill the gap for them.

You can, at times, be thoughtlessly overlooked.

I was talking with Marnie about my Conversations with a Pastor’s Wife Facebook group and explaining that within the group we talk about topics like ‘you know you are a pastor’s wife when…..’, Marnie shot right back to me with, ‘When on your first Sunday back after holidays the person leading the meeting gives a big welcome to your husband and doesn’t make any mention of you.’

You are the person who is almost always introduced as being someone’s wife.

You are introduced by one person to another as 'this is our pastor's wife', leaving you without a personal identity or name.

There was a man in our church who, when he spoke to me, always commenced what he wanted to say with ‘Mrs Pastor’s Wife.’.

He thought he was being funny but it annoyed the heck out of me.

Until I had an idea, I could be so bold as to say it was a God idea.

This man’s wife was an accountant, so every Sunday when I passed him in the church foyer I would start a conversation with ‘Hello, Mr Accountant’s husband’.

He was quite taken aback at first but then got the message and went back to calling me by my name.

You are the one who is asked to work as a full time, unpaid employee on your husband’s job.

It didn’t take long after starting out in ministry for Oak to come to the realisation that she was both expected to be and required to be a full time volunteer for the church.

For one of my Conversations with a Pastor’s Wife workshops, I decided that for decoration we would place on each table a small glass bowl which contained water and a goldfish.

When I rang the pet shop to find out the price of goldfish, I was totally gob smacked when the assistant replied, ‘We have a special on goldfish at the moment, you can buy two for the price of one, buy one and get one free.’ I said, ‘You are kidding me!’ and laughed.

I ended the call thinking, ‘my God has an amazing sense of humour’.

You are required to be hospitality plus even though hospitality is not included in your gift mix.

Every pastor’s wife knows the reality of the scripture ‘offer hospitality to one another without grumbling’ (1Pt 4:9).

For those with a gift of hospitality, having people in your home often, and at all hours of the day and night, is a loveable and very enjoyable part of ministry life. But for others hospitality is a chore of ministry which the pastor’s wife is required to embrace.

Selica found that to lower her hospitality stress level it helped to serve the same menu to each new guest, or guests, who were invited to her home for the evening meal. It was a meal which was quick and easy to prepare, had a quality presentation and was very flavoursome.

One thing Angelina did was to keep a card system on regular visitors and the multiple drop-ins, recording their likes and dislikes, coffee and tea preferences. This enabled her to be the hostess with the mostess by being able to deliver coffee etc into multiple small group meetings which took place in her home without the need to interrupt for the purpose of taking orders.

You are trusted with the incredible privilege of walking with people through some of their darkest and most challenging times of life.

Miranda and I were chatting together over coffee when she stopped and then, with an expression of revelatory responsibility, began to express how she felt about the level of trust God has given her, and every pastor’s wife, to care for and shepherd God’s people.

Miranda was awed at the privilege she had been given to stand in support with someone and watch as God answered prayer, healed, intervened in impossible situations and shifted mountains on their behalf.

A pastor’s wife can often feel ill equipped, under trained and fight a sense of inadequacy. During these times she will draw upon the inner knowledge that she has been chosen, called and appointed by God to care for His people.

With God as her sufficiency a pastor’s wife is then able to locate the needed courage and confidence in Him to step into, or be gracious in the midst of, all the unique situations that come her way, having the full assurance that her God is with her.